Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day.

I used to dream of my first Mother's Day as a kid. I've been an aunt for just about as long as I can remember, and I've watched my sisters, sister-in-law, mom, grandma, aunts, all get celebrated for Mother's Day. I've been the only non-mom of my siblings now for a long time. My one sister had her first kid in 2000, 23 years ago. My brother had his first kid in 2007, 16 years ago. My other sister had her first in 2012, 11 years ago. It's not a competition, but a yearning. I have yearned to be a mother for so long I can't even tell you if there was time I didn't feel this way.

Jeremiah and I got married in April of 2021, and our journey as a married couple didn't quite start as we expected it to in terms of trying for a kid. I had surgeries to remove my blood clot in February of 2021, and was on blood thinners until July of 2021. We were not allowed to try to conceive until August of 2021. That first Mother's Day as a married couple in 2021 felt like a missed first step. I even know that sounds ridiculous, considering that would mean we would have had to conceive within one month of marriage, but the fact that we couldn't even try was extremely frustrating for someone who has been waiting years to start trying.

Mother's Day 2022 felt like a failure. How could have not have conceived by then? Later that year we went through multiple fertility tests. I won't share what our reasons for fertility struggles are, but we were told "It's not impossible, it's just improbable." I held on to that improbable for about another year until we decided to try IVF, which doctors told us was our best chance at getting pregnant.

Now, here I am, a day into the IVF journey and Mother's Day comes around again to slap me in the face, remind me of the biological failure I feel I am as a woman. At least I may be able to celebrate next year, I think to myself.

I, of course, call Jeremiah at 08:00 to wish him goodnight. I go sit out on the balcony to try to catch up on journaling, but I can't concentrate. I can hear babies crying from the open windows of other apartments. I can see mothers walking by, pushing strollers. I can see other motherhood dreams coming true, and feel the soul-crushing emptiness of this Mother's Day. My heart hurts. I hope beyond hope that IVF works for us.

Nothing gets accomplished today. I try to distract myself with Tears of the Kingdom and watching The Crown. I call my husband that evening and he hypes me up through the medication again. The Gonal-f is easy peasy for me again. Just a little poke. Keep in mind, I've had several surgeries throughout my life, and I have donated over ten gallons blood, so needles do not scare me. The blood thinner sucks, majorly, again. Goodness gracious. It sends me over the edge, and I end up balling my eyes out to Jeremiah on the phone. I can see the helplessness in his eyes as we are a world apart. I calm down, he wishes me goodnight, and I wish him good morning. I crawl into bed, calling it a day.